My Testimony

I know we refer to becoming saved as a "decision" and it involves a decision, yes. But a person's true conversion is a whole lot more than that. I'm sure all of us know people who have made a "decision to receive Jesus as their Savior" who are no different now than before they made it. This is a problem because the Bible doesn't say anything about a DECISION being the indicator of whether a person is saved or not. The Bible never tells us to look back and remember that day we prayed a prayer and made a decision to receive Him. But rather it tells us to examine ourselves right NOW and see if we have fellowship with Him and whether we are walking in the darkness or the light. If we still walk in darkness, there is no Biblical evidence or gurarantee that we were ever truly saved... any more than rotten, brown fruit would guarantee that a tree is healthy and hearty.
He who says, "I know Him," and does not keep His commandments, is a liar, and the truth is not in him.
It is for that reason that my testimony is kind of complicated. I made a "decision" to receive Jesus when I was about 12 years old at the altar of Westside Baptist church. I had NO Christian background. My parents were NOT in church. I had probably attended an Easter service once in my life. I went to church by myself. I walked there with some neighborhood friends. This is important, because a lot of times atheists will insist that I am only a Christian because it's how I was raised. But this is a delusion. God convicted me of sin and guided me to church... all without ever once being TOLD or INSTRUCTED by anyone that this was what I needed to do. "Twas Grace that taught my heart to fear" is probably about the best way the event can be summed up. I know God used the preacher that night to instill in me what an eternity separated from God would be like and it shook me up. I understood that hell is a place where all God's blessings simply don't exist. Air, sunshine, joy, love, friendship, hope... all of us love and appreciate these aspects of life on earth. But if we choose to reject God, we (by default) are rejecting those benefits which come from Him as well. And what is left behind after these wonderful benefits of God are gone are the attributes of hell... misery, pain, suffering, hopelessness.
Hell is really kind of a testament to the MAJESTY OF GOD since it is the only fitting punishment for one who has offended a God who is infinitely big and powerful and good as He is.
I have heard it described this way: What is the punishment for "offending" (squishing) an ant? Obviously, no one is punished for that... we squish ants all the time! But what would be the punishment for intentionally offending (killing) a neighbor's pet dog? There would be serious consequences for that because that dog is of exceedingly greater value than an ant! And if you offend (kill) a human, the great value of the life you have taken could possibly require payment of your life in return as punishment. Why? Because humans are the most valuable living creature on earth! So, since penalties are awarded according to the WORTH of the one offended, what could be an appropriate punishment for offending the Creator of all the universe? Hell. The severity and horror of hell tells us just how great and awesome a Being we have offended. Nothing short of eternal torment is adequate for one who has rejected and despised this good and gracious and loving and righteous Creator of everything!
Well, I understood the basics of that when I was 12 and I didn't want to be guilty and deserving of this punishment. So, I ran forward in tears and the pastor's wife led me in the prayer of salvation that night, which was clearly the best response I could've had to such a message. The problem is, I was out of church almost completely from that point - all the way until I was 22 and engaged to be married. I don't know what to make of those 10 years I spent apart from God, walking in darkness. Whoever has been born of God does not sin, for His seed remains in him; and he cannot sin, because he has been born of God. (1 John 3:9)
Of course, at the time, I didn't think of it as "darkness". I honestly had no idea how greatly I was offending God and I thought everything with my spiritual life was just peachy. The Serpent was subtle ever since the beginning and he still is. Satan knows how to lure us away from God and away from the truth. But, like Charles Spurgeon said, "Sin is horrible to a believer, because it crucified his Savior! He sees in every iniquity - the nails and the spear!" The Holy Spirit will cause our sin to bring about more pain than pleasure if we did indeed "receive Him" when we made that "decision".
Thankfully, God sent Dan to me. He was about at the same place spirtually. He knew he was supposed to be living for God (since he was a professing Christian) but he wasn't anymore than I was. Together, we rededicated our lives to God and then started our real spiritual growth. We keep seeing over and over now how God wants more and more and more of us until He gets it all. He isn't satisfied with the half-hearted devotion we try to give Him and - like every good Father - He knows how to chasten and discipline until we straigten up and pay attention. Sometimes that has been unbearably hard to accept but we are discovering that trusting God doesn't just mean trusting Him to do whatever we WANT... it means trusting that WHATEVER HE DOES is the right thing.
I think I made the mistake a lot of people make - believing that being "saved" is for OUR benefit - and I looked to God for all the blessings that were supposed to be mine since I was His child. The fact is, we should come to the cross, die to ourselves and live for Him because this is the ONLY WAY that God can get glory out of a human being. See the difference? It's not even about us, it's about Him. That's the truth Satan wants us to miss. But I know that one second after we step into eternity, it will be the only thing that matters.
Learning that truth is really the conclusion of my testimony. God taught me this lesson around 2005-2006, when I spent a couple of agonizing years being tested for a frightening disease that would've killed me quickly. At that point, I really felt like I was getting a wake up call... understanding that it was very possible I could be actually, literaly be standing before God shortly. Although it was terrifying, it's an experience that I wouldn't trade for anything and I really wish more people would consider what that moment will be like. God showed me the whole culmination of the meaning of my life and salvation through His Son, Jesus. As I pictured what it might soon be like to stand before God, Hebrews 4:12 came alive in my mind: "And there is no creature hidden from His sight, but all things are naked and open to to whom to whom we must give account."
I thought about what it will be like to stand there before God, exposed and without any excuses or covering or help. I realized it will be frightening. We don't usually like to think of God as frightening... it just seems wrong. Yet scripture is full of examples of an angry God pouring out His righteous wrath upon sinful people! I was terrified of the thought of that moment and His piercing eyes looking right through my pitiful being. Then, I saw Jesus enter into the scene. He walked over to my shivering frame and put a robe around me and said to God, "The judgment for her sins was already paid." And God was no longer mad at me, but just as pleased as though I had lived Jesus' perfect life! Figuring out that this is what Jesus has done for us will produce some gratitude in us for sure! I am so thankful that my sins ARE (and will be in that moment) covered by His blood and that all God will see when He looks at me is a clean, white, spotless robe of righteousness!
I think God used this little "vision" during my time of fear to teach me what really happens when we "receive Jesus". I don't guess I ever understood (until then) WHY I needed Him. I sometimes look around with pity at the people I know who are drinking of the dingy, stale wells of the darkness of this world - when He is offering living water that will cause us to never thirst again.
It terrifies me to think about anyone standing before God and saying to Him, "Lord, Lord... we did miracles in your name on the earth" (Matt 7:23) - and Jesus looking at those good-intentioned people and with sadness saying, "I never knew you." He won't be able to come and comfort and wrap with a robe of righteousness those whom He does not know. Lots of people say and believe they know Him but according to this verse, that is not the question! The question is whether or not we are KNOWN BY HIM. I pray that even if you already THINK you are known by Him, that you will do as the Bible says and examine yourselves to make sure.